"Romantic love" is often associated with "being in love", and a lot of symptoms are typical of this state : pain in the chest when the love is not returned, constant thinking about the desired one. Often, romantic love includes a component of suffering, even when it is returned. Let's take a look at the great examples of literature : in Twilight, Stephanie Meyer describes the fusional love between a vampire and a teenage girl... okay, who are we kidding ? we talked about "great examples of literature", so we'd rather analyse Romeo and Juliet or Tristan and Iseult. These famous love stories clearly show that even if the love is mutual, and if a strong bond exists between lovers, impossible to understand from the outside, romantic love still hurts.
And why does it hurt? Because actually, romantic love is meant to be just a stage in the long process of love. A famous psychologist, Murstein, showed that love contains three steps : first, the passionate love, also called physical attraction, which involves intense arousal and has a strong sexual base. Then, the romantic love is more focused on the idealization of the beloved ; before the conjugal love, which testifies of liking and deep trust.
Another psychologist, Dr. Elaine Walster, also showed in a way very similar to what Murstein did, that romantic love is in fact the rationalization of the physiological arousal, in order to view it as a consequence of romantic causes. This model has been tested in dozens of studies by many different researchers, and the findings have consistently supported it. This is a great deal, because it explains why we fall in love so quickly, and why you sometimes don't need to be good with a person to seduce him/her.
But what is really important is the fact that the romantic love is just a stage. We are not supposed to stay in this area for a long time, because, as we said it, romantic love is an idealization of the beloved. How do you want to build a stable and trust-based relationship when what we are really looking for is being loved instead of loving the other for what he/she is worth. This is in fact a very immature way of loving someone, since we're doing it for ourselves and not for the beloved. This is childish, since we're doing it to protect ourselves. This is selfish, since what we really appreciate in romantic love is the admiration in the other's eyes.
These are the reason why you, dear reader, won't be fooled by the dangerous illusion that is romantic love, for you are smart, mature and devoted to others, not mentioning beautiful and handsome. So think about what you want for your future : vote for us!
David and Thomas
"But what is really important is the fact that the romantic love is just a stage. We are not supposed to stay in this area for a long time, because, as we said it, romantic love is an idealization of the beloved. How do you want to build a stable and trust-based relationship when what we are really looking for is being loved instead of loving the other for what he/she is worth."
ReplyDeleteI don't really get this. Let's assume that romantic love is indeed a stage, as Dr. Walster's studies seem to indicate, where we idealize the beloved. I don't see how we are looking for being loved instead of loving here. We are loving the beloved, maybe for some reasons that don't really exist, maybe too much, but the reflection on ourselves doesn't seem to matter to me.
Take the example of the guy singing in the rain for the object of his love. He might idealize the girl -- and that may justify his behavior -- but he doesn't seem care about how she will consider him afterwards, how she will look at him. We can even stretch the example as far as imagining that the girl doesn't actually know that guy who is always hiding in the garden, under her balcony, singing sweeeeet songs for her.
Anyway, my point is: idealizing, yes, why not, but caring about being loved rather than loving... no no no, doesn't look right to me.
(The fact that it's "just a phase" frustrates me a lot also, but, OK...)
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ReplyDeleteI rather agree with the previous commenter. The logic of the transition from "romantic love is an idealization" to "we are really looking to be loved" escapes me somewhat. And even if the second statement followed from the first, wouldn't it still be an argument in favour of romantic love, as we presumably wish to be loved romantically, rather than, say, charitably.
ReplyDeleteI also think you need to be clearer about what constitutes an "illusion" for you. Romantic love illusory because "really" something else (say physical arousal: but reductive explanations are rarely persuasive and always depressing) or because inevitably disappointed (as literature often teaches us, but not I think in the examples you cite, where love remains true even if "star cross'd")?
This reminded me of the example of Stendhal and his concept of "cristallisation", that you described before : the first step to true love is romantic love & passion. But that doesn't mean this is necessarily an illusion, just that it is short in time.
ReplyDeleteLike Mark p, I think you should be more precise about the definition of illusion.
Thanks for these comments.
ReplyDeleteThe article can in its current form misfool the reader about the transition between "romantic love is an idealization" to "we are really looking to be loved" ; and I'm hoping the following is going to make it clearer.
There is in fact not transition between idealization and admiration : these are the two key elements that defined the stage of romantic love. Idealization is a key point that helps increase our love for the partner, and give the relationship a chance to grow to the next step ; on the other hand admiration makes us feel pride about the choice of our mate, and tends to confirm also our love.
Alan Soble, member of the Society for Philosophy of Sex and Love wrote in Sex, love and frienship (chapter Romantic Love: A Patchwork) :
"Without prima facie concern for the other's welfare that grows out of admiration and idealization of the other, there is no romantic love."
I hope this answers your questions and helps you realize how such a behaviour, natural at first, can become prejudicial to a strong relationship if it is permanent.